🔄 Why We Chase the Ones Who Don’t Want Us

ou meet someone.
They’re magnetic—charming, distant, just out of reach.
They give you just enough to stay hopeful, but never enough to feel secure. And suddenly, your mind becomes a loop of second-guessing, analyzing, and craving more.

Why do we chase the person who keeps us guessing?

The answer lives not in logic, but in our nervous system.
Uncertainty triggers a powerful chemical response—dopamine released in unpredictable patterns, known as variable reward. It’s the same mechanism that drives addiction to slot machines. When affection comes in crumbs—then disappears—we confuse anxiety with chemistry.

But there’s more to it than brain chemistry.
Attachment wounds often pull the strings.
If you lean anxious, avoidant, or disorganized in your attachment style, you’re more likely to project potential onto emotionally unavailable people. You don’t fall in love with who they are—you fall for the story of who they could become. And somewhere, deep down, you believe that if you can just earn their love, you’ll finally prove you’re worthy of it.

That’s not love. That’s reenactment.

To break the cycle, we have to get radically curious.
What parts of you believe that love must be chased?
What would it feel like if love was steady, mutual, and kind?
Would it feel boring—or safe?

Here’s the truth most of us aren’t taught:
Healthy love often feels quiet at first.
No fireworks. No games. Just presence. Reliability. Emotional availability.
And if you’ve been wired for chaos, that can feel unsettling at first.

But over time, your nervous system learns a new pattern:
That peace isn’t the absence of passion.
It’s the foundation of real connection.

When that shift happens, you stop chasing fire.
And you start choosing warmth.